had I but sodium bicarbonate enough, and time

so we can add this to the list of "Things I Learn The Hard Way So You Don't Have To" or "Because I Wasn't Paying Attention During This Part Of Lifeskills Class" --

IF your car battery is eight or more years old and shitty, and
IF you must replace it in the middle of winter (as you do, because your car won't start), and
IF your ridiculous macho great-with-tools-but-dumb-as-a-post fixit-type housemate agrees to help you, and
IF he puts the old battery in a bag in the back of your van, and
IF you don't get it out of there before a solid thaw, and
IF it starts to dribble, and
IF you put your head in the sand and ignore the dribbles for an inexcusably long time (read: weeks? months?) ...

stock up on baking soda before cleaning the car.

ALSO,

realize that you're going to have to suck it up and buy a new set of footmats.

>.<